Dane's Views

Erin told me I should write on the blog and so “what my baby wants, my baby gets”. I’m not sure what to write about but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I have learned and what I can take from this experience. So, here are some thoughts I have been having:

Alright:

"Alright, alright, alright"

Every so often for some reason I quote Matthew McConaughey and Erin doesn’t love it. She obviously thinks I am hilarious but there are times when she doesn’t quite get my jokes. I have learned a lot from Erin during this experience and one thing she has shown me is how much being positive helps in the recovery process. While we were waiting for the results of the biopsy we went to the temple and Erin had an experience where she felt that, yes she was going to have cancer, but everything was going to be alright. When we walked out of the temple we went and sat down on one of the benches and she told me how she was feeling. I didn’t love this as I still had hope that the tests would come back negative. Throughout the past few months when I have had some not so positive feelings or thoughts I go back to sitting on that bench and Erin saying that it is going to be "alright". It helps me take a more eternal perspective on things and look at the big picture. When I do that I feel a lot better about these little trials in our lives and think to myself that it is going to be "alright" in the end, and if that doesn’t work, thinking about McConaughey, his weird car commercials or Jimmy Fallon’s impersonation of him makes me laugh.

Trying not to miss out on life by wishing things were over or looking to the next thing:

"I live my life a quarter mile at a time"

The wise Vin Diesel in the critically acclaimed film The Fast and The Furious once said: “I live my life a quarter mile at a time”. So funny. Words to live by. So true. Erin has one more session of chemo and then we are hopefully done with chemo forever. I honestly can’t wait. For one thing, Erin won’t have to be sick, have constant hot flashes, be achy, be tired, etc. but more importantly, the day after her last session is the official beginning of March Madness, the best time of year by far. I will be filled with so much happiness. One thing that I have really tried to implement in my life lately is to live every day and not always want things to be over, even if they are hard, because I may miss out on what’s happening today. I’m trying not to say I can’t wait for this to be over. I think it is natural to want tough things in our life to be over, but I am finding that when I lean into grief or pain or struggles I can learn more about myself and become stronger. It has really helped me with this whole experience, but, with that in mind, I can’t wait until March.

Good Advice:

I've received a lot of good advice over the past few months. Back in October, the day we were going into the doctor’s office to get the results of Erin’s biopsy and learn that she did, in fact, have cancer, I got a text from my brother-in-law (whose wife also went through breast cancer) and he said that watching people that you love go through struggles and pain is awful. Uh, I would agree. Watching Erin go through surgery, chemo, constant doctor’s visits, etc. really has been rough. The emotional parts of watching Erin lose her hair or not being able to stay up and watch Jimmy Fallon with me because she is too tired, etc. are just as rough. The doctors told her she can’t clean the hamster cage and I have had to do that. I think she really misses cleaning it. Our family, friends, ward, co-workers, and strangers have been incredibly supporting and have really taken a huge burden off of us. I can’t believe how often people stop by to give us bread, cookies, huge amounts of food, babysit the kids, clean the house and everything else. One thing throughout my life that I have had a hard time doing is letting other people serve me/us. Even before this experience I have tried to let others serve me and it is often hard for me. My sister-in-law who went through breast cancer years ago gave Erin some advice that I thought was really good. She said to not turn anyone down that wants to serve you. Often times this is therapeutic for them and helps them with what is happening to you. People are amazing. I have never felt so loved and even the little things that people have done mean so much to me and I have tried to embrace any service that anyone wants to give. I don’t want to take those blessings away from them that they would receive for serving me. So, basically, I may be a little too old to finally be learning this but the lesson I learned was watching your loved one’s go through hard things is rough, let others lighten your burden, and don’t be selfish. Duh.

It could be worse:

The other day I had a free breakfast coupon at Chic-fil-e and a free lunch at Chipotle. I was so excited. I know what you are thinking: “this is going to be an epic day”. It really was. As I was sitting in the drive through at Chic-fil-e by my work I get a text from Erin saying “you forgot your wallet”. What? I don’t know if I have ever forgotten my wallet, ever. I started to panic. I pulled out of the drive through and started going through my change in the car. I had just over three dollars. So, I suffered and then went to Taco Bell for the dollar menu at lunch. I know what you’re thinking: “Taco Bell is awesome. Why are you complaining?” Yes, Taco Bell is awesome but my epic day of eating had to be postponed. In the big scheme of things, it could be worse. I have a pretty good life. I have an amazing wife and three great, healthy kids. I have a good job that I like most of the time. I never have to wonder if we are going to have enough to eat. I have hundreds of people in my life that would do anything for me and my family. Erin and I have talked about how we have never really had any huge trials and I feel lucky every day. Even though we have had to experience cancer in our family, it could be worse. I don’t really know how to express how lucky I really am to have the life that I have. To have the gospel in my life as a comfort and guide. To live in a place that is safe, in a nice home, and has every restaurant I could think of within a 15 minute radius. To have family and friends that are so supportive. Not only could it be worse, it could be much worse. I have a lot to grateful for.

This picture doesn't have anything to with anything:

I think this post is getting a little long so I will finish by saying that I am amazed every day at how strong Erin is and really anyone who has to go through illnesses like this. I don’t know how many times I’ve come home from work and caught myself saying: “I am so tired, I just want to take a nap”. Erin works the same as I do and she probably works 5 times harder than I do and she has continued to be a supportive wife and parent. She’s always surprised when people say that she is an inspiration to them. She really is to me as well. I guarantee if I was in her shoes I would have been in the fetal position moaning for the past five months. I always knew cancer was rough and I have heard stories about people who have had to go through it but I had never seen it firsthand. It’s not that fun. It is really hard at times. I have tried to learn as much as I can from this while it is happening so that I can take what I learn and be better, be more empathetic to others, be more aware of others, and to hopefully be able to support others when they are having trials in their lives. Though it has been kind of awful at times, I hope I can remember these things and be better for it.